Arctic Cup

The always brilliant Football Pink allowed me to write something about an imaginary football tournament. They seemed to like it. Here it is - Arctic Cup

Her

Here's a review of the new Spike Jonze film, Her that I wrote for the excellent Best For Film. Spoiler alert: I really liked it - Her

Not the Euro 2016 Draw

Inspired by a friend who moaned about the seeding policy for the draw for the qualification groups for the 2016 European Championships I decided to perform a little experiment.

Pre-draw admin

With 24 places available in the French tournament in two years time, it seems as if any of the top nations fail to qualify something cataclysmic will have to have occurred. With a total of 53 countries entering the competition - plus the holders France - it is a little strange that UEFA still don't trust the likes of Italy, Spain and Germany not to qualify at a canter. They still deemed it necessary to seed the best sides to make sure they didn't accidentally meet each other in qualification and ruin it for everyone when it comes to the finals.

The draw

With this in mind I decided to stage my own draw with no strings attached. I would pull the names out of the hat - or in this case an old German drinking vessel - and see what turned up. I, unlike UEFA, did nothing to stop the possibility of Spain and Gibraltar sharing the same group. I also didn't keep apart some of the bigger nations due to "television demands". But then I didn't need to keep my sponsors happy.

So, without further preamble, here are the nine groups. I now have to somehow think of a way to keep this strange experiment going all the way to Paris in 2016. Keeps me busy I suppose.

Group A
Norway
Germany
Poland
Wales
Cyprus
Albania

Group B
France
Ukraine
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Faroe Islands
Austria
Greece

Group C
Belgium
Montenegro
Macedonia
Moldova
Kazakhstan
Estonia

Group D
Armenia
Lithuania
Holland
Czech Republic
Croatia
Finland

Group E
Malta
Northern Ireland
Sweden
Israel
Andorra
San Marino

Group F
Azerbaijan
Portugal
Luxembourg
Gibraltar
Slovenia
Turkey

Group G
Switzerland
Slovakia
Latvia
Iceland
Scotland
Serbia

Group H
England
Belarus
Romania
Hungary
Bulgaria
Republic of Ireland

Group I
Italy
Denmark
Spain
Liechtenstein
Georgia
Russia

Keep up to date with any further developments on twitter with #AltEuro16

Mystic Dan

This is my latest piece for Stupid Americans FC. The site seems to have gone a bit quiet so I've added it here before my predictions are irrelevant

With the news that I am finally defeating the best minds that America can offer and am proudly sitting atop the Stupid Americans prediction league I thought I’d let the cascades of adulation go to my head and offer up a few more predictions for the coming months. You can accept these as fact. The table doesn’t lie.

1.  Manchester United will qualify for the Champions League. There is a lot of grumbling coming out of Old Trafford and some fans are questioning whether ‘The Chosen One’ should become ‘The Unemployed One’. Apart from the fact that United’s form has improved over the last few weeks, Man United just have too much experience. I’m not saying that there are not problems that the club have to face - and quickly - but I can see them limping over the line come May. A disappointment for the fans sure, and an unwanted qualifying round in next season’s Champions League, but qualification all the same. And what’s more they’ll do it at the expense of Liverpool. Which leads me onto…

2. Liverpool will have the top goal scorer in the league in the guise of the ever lovable Luis Suarez. But only qualifying for the Europa League will give the Uruguayan enough reason to head to sunnier climes. But for A LOT of cash. If this happens (and of course it will, I just said it would) it will be interesting to see how they spend the money.

3. Celtic and Rangers will win their respective leagues. Yeah, I know, hardly fucking Nostradamus with this one. But I predict them both to win without losing a single match. Even with the re-emergence of other clubs such as Dundee United that still paints a sorry picture for the standard of Scottish football.

4.  Brazil will win the World Cup. It should actually be a fairly open tournament with a number of sides able to feel pretty confident of their chances. Home field advantage will tell though. Look out for Uruguay and Colombia to perform well but fall foul of tough draws. The reign of Spain will end and the less said about England the better (hopefully the British press will heed this too).

5. And finally, someone with deep pockets and not much sense will spot the brilliance of my writing and offer to pay for an extended research trip studying the emergence of fan power and supporter-owned football clubs in America. Oh well, worth a go…

Football Food

Discovered an excellent new site yesterday that takes a look at a sorely under-reported part of the football experience - nonleaguechips.tumblr.com. Good work sir! Reminded me of days gone by when a colleague and I wrote a page for the Chesham United matchday programme rating half time burgers throughout the non league world under the nom de plume, Hat-trick Burger (a cunningly hilarious play on a former footballer's name I think you'll agree). Here's a piece I wrote about those times a while ago for Late Tackle magazine -

Stupid Americans FC News

I'm now a contributor to the Stupid Americans FC site. The latest news piece is online now but here's one you may have missed

Kris Boyd's Shorts

The news that Kris Boyd had make a shock return to the Scottish international set up must have had tent makers and camping supplies merchants all over Glasgow overjoyed. For it is only those fine fellows that would have the requisite material to produce shorts for the striker now plying his trade at Kilmarnock. It’s not that Boyd is a fat man – although he’s never shied away from a second helping by the look of him – it’s just that he is a big man who wears BIG shorts. Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock…now there was a fat footballer who wore massive shorts. But Boyd seems to have decided that not an inch of flesh should be seen while he is on the pitch. Such a demure attitude to dress is not expected in the professional leagues these days so I for one applaud Boyd and his continued fight to keep the cloth makers of Scotland in business. Still doesn’t make him any good mind.

A Man's Guide: The Sequel

I've written a guide for men buying lingerie this Christmas for Ayten Gasson Lingerie